I don’t really think he understands how he makes my world beautiful just by simply existing in it. I just realized how stupid I am to think that there’s still a room for the both of us. Little did I know feelings do change and fade and you can’t force things the way you want it. And I think it’s better to let go if in the first place you know you’re the only one holding back.
I just felt stupid back then, thinking that maybe it’s never too late to tell him what I really feel that maybe there’s still at least a tiny chance that this will probably work out. It took me a lot of courage and self-confidence to tell him the truth. Because to be honest? This is the first time I felt so sure with someone. It’s just him who makes me feel this way. I just can’t get rid of the idea of him keep running on my mind every single time of the day. There’s something about him that I just can’t resist. That feeling that I only want him, just him, and no one else. I know it really sounds stupid but I just can’t help myself from thinking whether he’s fine or what he’s doing and what are the things that are running into his mind. I wanted to know him deeply. I wanted to know everything about him. And I can’t lose the chance of being honest with him this time because I might end up regretting the things I’ve not done. But it turned out worst as what I have expected. He turned me down. He said it was too late. Oh! Am I? I struggled and lost for words and the only thing that came out of my mouth was “I know”. I just don’t know what to say. The only thing I was so sure about that moment is that there is this painful thing within my chest after he said that. I was over thinking things to the point that I do expect he still felt the same way as I do. It hurts. It really hurts. If only I did took that chance that we had when he was still here. But I failed. He’s gone now. I played hard to get and now it seems like that wasn’t a good idea. I felt so sorry for him but much more to myself. I regretted the things I never did for him. I was too afraid to take risks. I should have taken the chance. I should have at least tried. It’s better and “Oopss” than a “What if” right? He was my first heartbreak in the midst of an almost love story but sadly we ended before we even started. “Pinagtagpo pero hindi naman talaga itinadhana.”
Funny it is that he used to be so sweet and gentle when he talks to me before but I guess some things are meant to change so as people. Nothing is permanent in this world. And I have to accept the fact that his feelings toward me has also changed. He became cold and unpredictable. It sucks. It sucks when you’re the only one who’s making an effort to make your conversation lasts. It sucks when it feels like I’m the only one who’s putting an effort to get his attention back. It sucks when you still keep on trying even though you already know that you’ll end up losing. It sucks that I can’t stop myself from talking to him because even though he seldom replies, it’s just that it doesn’t matter as long as it was him, the reason why I’m happy. Even that simple “ok” from him means a lot. You know when you start having special feelings for someone you also start acting strange and doing things you never did before. It was happening to me. He let me see the part of me that weren’t all that pretty. And it felt good. I wanted to take care of him but it seems he doesn’t want me to. I’m feeling hopeless. Why am I still pushing myself to him? I wanted to stop and give up but at the back of my head I wanted to try harder. I wanted to make him feel that he’s worth fighting for. It feels like if I ever stop, it’ll be the end for the both of us. I just can’t afford to lose him. I know there’s really nothing to lose because in the first place he was never mine and I don’t even own his heart but what do I do? The moment he entered my life, I never felt so alive. He’s my happiness but ended up being my sadness as well.
Time came when I decided to stop. It feels like I’m just bothering him and I’m just wasting his time. Maybe it is better this way. It’s enough that at least I did try to fight for him even for the last time. I’ll stop right here. I don’t want to lower my worth by always trying to get his attention. It seems like I’m losing myself with just the thought of him. And I know this isn’t right. I keep asking myself, “What is happening to me?” I realized I’m so caught up with him that I tend to forget about myself. There are a lot of things I need to focus on and deal with rather than this little stupid feeling I have for him. I’m still young and my journey doesn’t stop here. I mean what’s the rush? If we were meant to be, it will be. Lol. I think it’s way better to leave it here.
As for now, I’m trying my very best to convert my attention on things that matter most to me aside from him. After all, I still have friends and important people around who truly care about me. I’m still looking forward that good things will follow and there are a lot of opportunities ahead that are waiting for me. Maybe not now, not today, not tomorrow, but someday this feeling I have for him will fade. I may not forget about him but I’m still happy that he came along. No matter how hurt I am with the truth, I’m still grateful that he came into my life. He helped me see things clearly, that some things aren’t meant to be, that there’s nothing wrong with letting go, and most importantly, what is coming is better than what is gone.